I went to Heaven.

Heaven.  I can say I went there today.  Ok fine!  It wasn’t the real heaven, but it surely felt like it.  It was that moment when your body and mind are at true peace.  It is when you can’t possibly be any happier than you are at that very second.  You take a mental snapshot and aim to return there.  All days will pale in comparison and you spend your time trying to recreate that moment.  It is quite a challenge.  

My moment came on an amazing day in beautiful Hawaii.  I heard the song of beautiful bird chirping to tell me that the sun has awoken and it was time to start my day.  Reality check.  My cell phone really was the chirp.  It kindly notified me that my hometown football team was getting ready to play the last game of the season, and it was against a division rival!  I pulled on my teams colors (an orange shirt in this case) and headed to a place where I thought they might play my game on the television.  

Upon arrival at the restaurant, I quickly found my goal of football greatness.  I plopped my booty on a barstool and sank in for the long haul.  I scanned the crowd and found that I not knowingly sat myself next to another Cincinnati Bengals fan!  Small world moment!  The time difference between my hometown and Hawaii meant that my team would be playing while I enjoyed breakfast.   I can’t really complain about mimosas and football, can I?  A mimosa or 3 later, the game was over my boys were victorious!  During the game, I met several locals who gave me a lot of ideas of things to do while I’m in Hawaii.  They shaped my day.

My fellow football aficionado was a scuba instructor who was also a fan of snorkeling.  I mentioned that I was interested in snorkeling, since I wasn’t scuba certified, and he kindly told me his favorite place to go.  He can’t be wrong... he’s an instructor!  He sent me on a beautiful drive to the east side of the island with roads that hug the water on one side, and cower in insignificance of the beautiful mountains on the other.  Simply breathtaking.  One of the things I love about experiencing the island by myself, is that I make all the decisions.  There is no schedule, no rush, no expectations.  I pulled off the road at every scenic overlook to take pictures!  I stayed at each one until the impatient, pushy, rude tourists pushed me to my mental limits.  The very first stop, I saw the spray of a whale playfully frolicking in the distance.  I was very lucky to see it.  The waves crashed along the cliff walls in a symphony of cymbal crashes.  Each crash as individual as a snowflake.  The effect was hypnotizing.  More beautiful beaches and mountain sides, brought me to my desired destination.  He was right, what a beautiful drive!  

I got out of my car and found myself on a fairly secluded beach, out of the reach of the pesky tourists.  That in itself is heaven.  I impatiently dressed in my snorkeling attire and ran to the water.  In reality, it was an awkward trial of walking in flippers, then realizing I would look less special if I just put them on in the water.  I ignored the less than desirable water temperature and made my way out to swim with the fish.  Wow.   I always forget how amazing it is to be able to see the world magically hidden beneath the surface.  The bystanders to my exploration probably think I’m a little crazy as I talk to the fish.  I tell them hello and call them pretty all the while balancing breathing and not drowning my talking through my snorkel.  I made several fish friends then decided that I was outnumbered by fisherman on the shore.  I kept swimming into fishing lines and panicked that I would be dinner in the place of my fish friend, Frank.  I got out of the water with a big goofy grin, amazed that I talked myself into snorkeling and that I found such a beautiful place to do so.  

Before I drove away, I chatted with a local.  He was potentially younger than me, but pretty much confirmed everything I love about the people in Hawaii.  I mentioned that I was all the way on the east side of the island and wasn’t ready to go home, so he recommended a great local restaurant.  I was nervous because my attire of a swimsuit, beach towel, and flip flops was hardly dinner clothes.  He was like, “Seriously.  This is how we dress all the time.”  I could’ve probably gathered that being that he jumped out of his truck in nothing but swim trunks and flip flops and had no intention of going to the beach.  I proudly readjusted my sarong style beach towel, pulled down my diamond encrusted sunglasses, and followed my new friend to the local restaurant.  

Let me be clear.  This is not a restaurant you would find on yelp.  This is the definition of “hole in the wall.”  The only tables were outside, and my food was served in a styrofoam clamshell.  I ordered a plate of the local special, which was kalua pork and rice.  The price for a plate dinner was very inexpensive and the food was the best I’ve had since I arrived on the island!  I ate with a very persistent bird all while staring at a beautiful mountain with peaks high into the clouds.  It was one of the moments that you try to capture on film, but can’t do it justice.  

My stomach happily full, and the exhaustion of snorkeling made my destination pretty clear.  Home.  I drove along, passing by all of the beautiful spots from the opposite vantage point.  Again, gorgeous.  To my left, I saw some large waves and a collection of surfers.  Again, the benefit of having no one to answer to presented itself...plans changed!  My tires squealed as I pulled over to watch them in action and to watch the sunset.  This was a locals haven.  There were fisherman fishing off of the rocks and surfers catching massive waves with their determination to out do their buddies and the wave itself.  This wasn’t a beach with a name.  There were no parking lots, lifeguards, bathrooms, or vendors.  I parked on cooled lava (super amusing to me), and walked through very non standard beach sand to find a seat to watch the sunset show.  

I plopped myself into the body molding, herpes of mother nature and took in my surroundings.  To my right was some beautiful lava formations jutting out into the ocean providing a nice perch for my fisherman neighbor.  He artfully tossed out his line in hopes of catching dinner.  He paid me no attention as I watched his masterful skills.  Cast, reel, repeat.  Just past him was the sun yawning as it fell sleepily over the mountain causing beatiful color formations of purples and oranges.  To my left, were the surfers completely unphased by the size of the waves or the coming darkness.  Directly in front of me, waves desperately reached for me, their fingernails scratching the sand begging to not return to the ocean and sun bathe for a moment longer.  Each wave begging me for a swim.  This was the moment.  I was living in a post card with no cares in the world.  My happiness was a result of the decisions I have made.  

Two years ago, you would find me anchoring my couch to the floor watching mindless television with snow falling outside all while grasping onto my loveless marriage in an acceptance that this was as good as life would be.   I didn’t think I deserved better.  I had a new house, new car, ate fancy dinners at home that my ex would cook for me, and a dog that cuddled with me when I took his spot on the couch.  All of the security in possessions was not nearly enough to balance out the lack of love.  Jane Austen was my conscience.  She wrote book after book about women who found their true loves.  Obstinate women like Elizabeth Bennet would have never settled for unhappiness in marriage despite societal and family pressure.  My true love would have never treated me as if I was a burden.  I envisioned coming home from a difficult day at work and throwing my arms around my true love trying to make up for every second that I missed my love during my extra long twelve hour shift.  What I had was not happiness.  Why I felt like I didn't need love baffles me now.  I honestly told myself that it would be okay to be married to a friend and not be in love.  I was married to a roommate.  Ew.  Jane told me that it was time to buck up (in her english accent of course).

I made other difficult decisions that lead me to my sandy seat.  I left my job at one of the best children’s hospitals in the country, where I had an abundance of fantastic co workers and the best technology in the world to be a travel nurse at hospitals that could only pale in comparison.  I became a shepherd.  My cloak being isolation gowns and my suitcases my flock.  Our fields are hospitals in need of staff quickly, in destinations where the field is surrounded by whatever it is I desire.  I was being paid to live in Hawaii.  There was no question that my job decision paid off.  

My thoughts drifted while I watched the sun fall asleep.  I was proud of myself for being able to do all that I did.  I have become free spirited and adventurous.  No part of my existence is boring.  I’m open to taking risks and no longer need to research every aspect of an outing before I get there.  I love spontaneity and unplanned adventures.  I was ridiculously happy.  I have been that happy before, but it always involved a man.  This time, it was purely me.  I had the ability to create my own happiness.  I was in control of my heart and my life.  I took life by the horns and am ready for the wild ride.  I expect to fall off every once in awhile, but bruises and broken bones heal.  

With the sun long since asleep, and sand everywhere it could be, I headed home.  Mountains to my right, ocean to my left, and unhappiness in my rearview mirror.  

The view from my sandy seat, Oahu.