Snorkeling

A look into a world,

Different from one I'm from

So free and relaxed.

A haiku was requested, consider it done.  There will be more descriptive stories of my snorkeling adventures.  At another day... that isn't Saturday.  =)

My Journey told as the Lord of the Rings

My Precious

Frodo carried a ring,
what I had was small and round also.
The "one ring" lit up when it's master called it, or when the owner put it on.
Mine lit up with the ultrasound light as blood flowed through it.  It was the master of me, and was always lit up.

While Frodo and Sam walked to Mordor, the others battled at Helm's Deep.
My Doctor's were the soldiers.  They fought against the signs and stayed positive about my diagnosis because I was simply too young to have old lady cancer.

My sister and I walked on to Mordor, she was my Sam.
Our path was about 35 days.  Our Gollum was the nagging sense of fear.  He was my friend, while my sister chose not to let him in.  My nagging conscience thought only about it's "Precious" all the way to the day of surgery.

Finally, my sister and I made it to Mt. Doom.  It was a surgical center.  My NPO status made me feel like I had been eating the Elven bread for months like Frodo and Sam.
Our big spider fight was actually with an anesthesiologist.  My words cut through her the way Frodo's sword sting cut that spider.  Don't mess with 2 ICU nurses.

Finally, Frodo and Sam approached the lava to toss the ring in.
It was time for me to go to surgery.  I hesitated while my Sam encouraged me to go in.
Frodo had second thoughts about tossing in his ring.
I also wanted to keep it, it was my Precious.
But my surgeon's razor sharp teeth blade cut it out of me and tossed in into the fiery lava pit the same way that Gollum bit off Frodo's finger and fell into the flames.
 Now my body is left incomplete.  I'm missing an organ as important to me as a finger.

Frodo felt the pain of losing the ring.  He yearned for it every day.
I still feel pain where my ovary should be.  I call it phantom ovary pain.
I know the pain can't be from anything on that side, but it exists nonetheless.

Frodo no longer felt comfortable in Middle Earth.
I no longer felt comfortable in Cincinnati.
Frodo left with the elves to Valinor, where his wounds could heal.
I left for DC and then Hawaii to again feel whole.

Mordor from afar.

This is a story about my pathway from diagnosis to "cure" of ovarian cancer told in a much more amusing tone than if I just told it raw.  I hope that it is easier to relate to what I went through telling it in this method.  Also, it is pretty much awesome.  Now, if only I could find me an Aragorn....

This Crazy Universe!

I feel like I can't stress how crazy the universe is.  Too many completely amazing things keep happening.  It is almost like if you are open to letting the universe in, it happens with a force unrecognizable to mankind. 

I found a new friend this week who thinks the same way I do.  Between the two of us, we have had far too many things happen that can't possibly be a coincidence.  I updated a dating profile to say that I write a blog, he landed on my very island the next day and emailed me soley because I said I write a blog (not to mention that I am gorgeous of course!)  =)

This new friendship has opened my eyes to many new ideas of how I want my blog to go.  I do write this for me as a sort of memoir and outlet for me to share my pent up feelings, but I also love for my stories to reach people.  I hope they inspire someone to do something different and realize all the little things we all take for granted.  I love hearing how I inspire people, and when people tell me to keep writing.  I hope that you get a chuckle out of some of my posts and truly enjoy them.

I feel truly lucky to have met this good friend, and I feel like something great is going to happen.  If you feel like someone would benefit from reading my stories, please pass on the link.  If you hate something I write, tell me also.  I love writing, and I love story telling as I am sure you all know. 

I guess my point of the day would be to open yourself up to letting the universe in.  Talk to people.  Smile at strangers.  Every interaction you have with someone, is a potential life changer.  You never know how that interaction could affect things for the better.

I Jumped off a Cliff.

I jumped off a cliff.

A good friend came into town, so I created an amazing itinerary.  I wanted him to have a fantastic time while he was here in beautiful Hawaii.  One of the items on the to do list was Maunowili Falls.  This waterfall is known for its beauty... and that you can jump off a ledge into the waterfall.

Well, stubborn, never satisfied, adrenaline rush me, had to do this hike.  It would be a lot easier if I still liked sitting on the couch!  My buddy and I drove out there and found a parking spot.  The trail head is in a little part of Kailua and has amazing mountain views.  I just knew that this would be worth it.   My buddy, Aaron, put on more bug spray than I have ever seen an individual apply in my life (and I work at a summer camp!!!) Then we headed into the trees.

The trail was muddy.  Yelpers warned us of that fact, but I was kind of hoping that they were wrong.  I hate mud.  I tried to avoid it at all costs, so I would step on the raised tree roots to keep my shoes clean.  My trail shoes.  Sad, I know.  Mud, plus tree roots, equals quite slippery by the way.  I had a rough go of it.

There were a lot of stairs.  I felt way out of shape.  I knew there had to be a reason we were climbing them.... there was!  It brought us to this peak that had amazing views of the mountains and the beach in the distance!  It was beautiful!  Refreshed and invigorated, we carried on.




The tallest point of the Maunowili Falls hike.


Finally, we reached what we were looking for.  In front of us was a beautiful, 25 foot waterfall.  There was a small crowd gathered that was trying to encourage a guy who had climbed the extra bit, to jump.  It looked quite high up there, so I understood his hesitation.  There was some yelling and a large splash, the guy had jumped!  When he got out of the water, you can see the adrenaline coarsing through his body.  He felt alive... probably in a bit of shock, but alive!

Aaron was next.  He oriented me to his phone so that I could appropriately take the pictures, and he set off.  He climbed pretty quickly and made it to the jump off point.  Down below, we all encouraged him to jump.  There really is no safe way back down the trail, so if you climb, you commit.  After some hesitation, Aaron did it!  He jumped into the water below!  I was so excited and proud of him for actually doing it!  He swam over, and loved every second of his hero's glorious welcome.   Finally, he asked if I was ready to head back, because he said I wasn't going to jump.

That was the catalyst.  I am a stubborn fool.  Do not tell me that I won't or can't do something.  That is a mistake.  I stripped down, removed my glasses, and handed off my phone.  The climb itself was almost vertical, and shockingly, it was muddy.  Another guy, from the group we were chatting with, followed behind claiming that he wanted to make sure I went.  Really, I think his family told him that if a girl went and he didn't, he was weak.  Finally, I got to the top.  I was proud of my self for getting there.  It was actually not a safe climb, now that I think about it.    I made my way to the edge.  The guy was being a gentleman, and told me, "Ladies first!"  There was no backing out now.

My heart was racing as I made my way over to the edge.  It was not easy to get there, so there was a rope to hold on to.  I held on for as long as I could, but I am short, so eventually I had to let go and finish my way without it.  I reached the ledge and looked over.  It was definitely higher than it looked from below, but it was gorgeous.  It was a different view of the waterfall, and it was breath taking!

My brain started telling me that jumping was a bad idea, but my heart kept saying you live once!  I knew I had to do it.  I also knew that the longer I was standing there, the worse it would get.  I checked below to make sure Aaron was ready with the camera.  I took a deep breath and a leap of faith.  Off I went!

Immediately, I wished I had wings.  I tried to orient myself to not land horribly, but mostly I was focused on the fact that I was flying.  It was a looooonnnngggg decent.   All the way down I kept thinking how proud I was for jumping, and how amazing of a feeling that was.  The water came suddenly, and I hit like an asteroid would hit the earth.  Ouch.  I swam for the surface at an impossible speed and swam for the shore.  All I could focus on was getting out of the water.  I felt like I got hit by a train!  I stumbled over the rocks and made my way to safety.

First thing Aaron said to me is, "I didn't get the picture."  Seriously?????  He told me I could climb again, and I looked at him like he was crazy.  Ouch.  No.  Never again.  I knew I climbed, I didn't need photo evidence.

The trip back was uneventful, besides my inability to stay on my feet.  I fell once and hit my head.  By this point, I was finished with the excursion.  I stomped my way the best I could all the way back to my car.  I was covered in mud and GRUMPY. 

Aaron was convinced that my muddy state wouldn't get me into a restaurant, so I cleaned myself off the best I could.  Finally, I was acceptable, so we made our way to a restaurant that a coworker recommended.  It was totally worth the hike/jump/head bump to make it to this restaurant.  I had a delicious kalua pork eggs benedict with red velvet and guava chiffon pancakes.  Delicious!

You buy me those pancakes, I may consider that terrible hike once again!  =)

Ode to Surfing

Ode to Surfing

How will it look?

I ponder over a drink.

Will I be able to stand,

What will the other's think?

It's my first time on a board

and I already know,

this may not look great,

It'll be quite a show.

I spoke to the teacher,

and agreed to the fees.

Next step was the ocean,

and I'm weak in the knees.

We paddle on out,

past the kiddies and swimmers.

To where the waves break,

My fear is no dimmer.

I know that I'm clumsy,

and my balance is poor.

But try I must,

Get up on that board!

A few failed attempts,

and I was ready to quit.

My teacher threatened ending,

and I thought, "This is it."

Finally, I got it!

I stood up on the board.

Look at me now,

I'm queen of the world!

Don't tell me I can't do it,

or take away my fun.

I've proved my resilience,

you'll be the wrong one!

I have been thinking about this poem for quite awhile.  I knew I had to write one.  I love how surfing relates so clearly to my life.  I was afraid to do a great many things, and I got past that fear.  I may still be afraid, but I do it anyway.  Also, my instructor wasn't going to end the lesson, but was going to make me change to a board that would be more painful in the long run.  He gave up on me, and the very next attempt I got it.  Don't tell me I can't do something.  I am far too stubborn for that.  Finally, it took a lot for me to get it right.  I think that is one of the great themes of my life right now.  I fall off the board quite frequently, but I get right back up.  Life is a balance.  If I was up all the time, life would be boring.  The important thing is to pull yourself back up after you fall.  It's ok to get a little wet sometimes.

The Universe Works in Mysterious Ways...

This universe surprises me.  It has an uncanny ability to give you just what you need, right when you need it.  I recently had one of these events, and it made me think about other times it has happened and it humbled me. 
I recently moved to beautiful Hawaii.  Many would think that I should never have any reason to be sad or down.  Yes, it is gorgeous.  Yes, I live in a place people only dream of visiting, but I moved here alone.  I was having an especially melencholy evening one night, that even the help of a couple of new friends wasn't fixing.  We finally ended up at this awesome little dive bar.  Randomly, later in the night, I met a person that the universe intended on me to meet.  It was the most positive person I think I had ever met!  I don't even know who spoke to who first, but it was as if he could sense what was wrong with me.  He pointed out how lucky I was to be here, and gave me an outlet to perhaps create some sort of normalcy.  He was a yoga instructor, so he encouraged me to go to his class.  I hesistantly woke up the morning of his class, and nervously walked there.  I had never done yoga before!  By the end of it, I decided that I think I need yoga.  I need the positive mental message that yoga encompasses along with the physical improvement of my body.  I am going to try to keep that going.
Another night, I met a girl who was just swinging through Cincinnati on a road trip.  I was inspired by her solo journey.  She was from Singapore and had been in the US for a good amount of time, but had to return home due to an expiring visa.  She plotted out a road trip and took off on her own.  She stopped in cities she wanted to stop in, whether she knew people there or not!  Her independence was just want I needed to see.  It was a big inspiration in my decision to do travel nursing.  I signed up just a few weeks after our conversation that night.  We still keep in touch after a one night encounter.
I could easily say that every relationship makes me who I am.  Everybody I have met or dated has given me inspiration in some sort of way or another.  They have all made me a better person, or showed me more of what I deserve in life.  They may not be what others consider the best for me, but they were the right people at that time.  I needed to meet them. 
I love this universe.  I am excited for what else it will bring me.  Look back, have you had a weird universe moment?  Did you realize how lucky you were to have that moment?

I went to Heaven.

Heaven.  I can say I went there today.  Ok fine!  It wasn’t the real heaven, but it surely felt like it.  It was that moment when your body and mind are at true peace.  It is when you can’t possibly be any happier than you are at that very second.  You take a mental snapshot and aim to return there.  All days will pale in comparison and you spend your time trying to recreate that moment.  It is quite a challenge.  

My moment came on an amazing day in beautiful Hawaii.  I heard the song of beautiful bird chirping to tell me that the sun has awoken and it was time to start my day.  Reality check.  My cell phone really was the chirp.  It kindly notified me that my hometown football team was getting ready to play the last game of the season, and it was against a division rival!  I pulled on my teams colors (an orange shirt in this case) and headed to a place where I thought they might play my game on the television.  

Upon arrival at the restaurant, I quickly found my goal of football greatness.  I plopped my booty on a barstool and sank in for the long haul.  I scanned the crowd and found that I not knowingly sat myself next to another Cincinnati Bengals fan!  Small world moment!  The time difference between my hometown and Hawaii meant that my team would be playing while I enjoyed breakfast.   I can’t really complain about mimosas and football, can I?  A mimosa or 3 later, the game was over my boys were victorious!  During the game, I met several locals who gave me a lot of ideas of things to do while I’m in Hawaii.  They shaped my day.

My fellow football aficionado was a scuba instructor who was also a fan of snorkeling.  I mentioned that I was interested in snorkeling, since I wasn’t scuba certified, and he kindly told me his favorite place to go.  He can’t be wrong... he’s an instructor!  He sent me on a beautiful drive to the east side of the island with roads that hug the water on one side, and cower in insignificance of the beautiful mountains on the other.  Simply breathtaking.  One of the things I love about experiencing the island by myself, is that I make all the decisions.  There is no schedule, no rush, no expectations.  I pulled off the road at every scenic overlook to take pictures!  I stayed at each one until the impatient, pushy, rude tourists pushed me to my mental limits.  The very first stop, I saw the spray of a whale playfully frolicking in the distance.  I was very lucky to see it.  The waves crashed along the cliff walls in a symphony of cymbal crashes.  Each crash as individual as a snowflake.  The effect was hypnotizing.  More beautiful beaches and mountain sides, brought me to my desired destination.  He was right, what a beautiful drive!  

I got out of my car and found myself on a fairly secluded beach, out of the reach of the pesky tourists.  That in itself is heaven.  I impatiently dressed in my snorkeling attire and ran to the water.  In reality, it was an awkward trial of walking in flippers, then realizing I would look less special if I just put them on in the water.  I ignored the less than desirable water temperature and made my way out to swim with the fish.  Wow.   I always forget how amazing it is to be able to see the world magically hidden beneath the surface.  The bystanders to my exploration probably think I’m a little crazy as I talk to the fish.  I tell them hello and call them pretty all the while balancing breathing and not drowning my talking through my snorkel.  I made several fish friends then decided that I was outnumbered by fisherman on the shore.  I kept swimming into fishing lines and panicked that I would be dinner in the place of my fish friend, Frank.  I got out of the water with a big goofy grin, amazed that I talked myself into snorkeling and that I found such a beautiful place to do so.  

Before I drove away, I chatted with a local.  He was potentially younger than me, but pretty much confirmed everything I love about the people in Hawaii.  I mentioned that I was all the way on the east side of the island and wasn’t ready to go home, so he recommended a great local restaurant.  I was nervous because my attire of a swimsuit, beach towel, and flip flops was hardly dinner clothes.  He was like, “Seriously.  This is how we dress all the time.”  I could’ve probably gathered that being that he jumped out of his truck in nothing but swim trunks and flip flops and had no intention of going to the beach.  I proudly readjusted my sarong style beach towel, pulled down my diamond encrusted sunglasses, and followed my new friend to the local restaurant.  

Let me be clear.  This is not a restaurant you would find on yelp.  This is the definition of “hole in the wall.”  The only tables were outside, and my food was served in a styrofoam clamshell.  I ordered a plate of the local special, which was kalua pork and rice.  The price for a plate dinner was very inexpensive and the food was the best I’ve had since I arrived on the island!  I ate with a very persistent bird all while staring at a beautiful mountain with peaks high into the clouds.  It was one of the moments that you try to capture on film, but can’t do it justice.  

My stomach happily full, and the exhaustion of snorkeling made my destination pretty clear.  Home.  I drove along, passing by all of the beautiful spots from the opposite vantage point.  Again, gorgeous.  To my left, I saw some large waves and a collection of surfers.  Again, the benefit of having no one to answer to presented itself...plans changed!  My tires squealed as I pulled over to watch them in action and to watch the sunset.  This was a locals haven.  There were fisherman fishing off of the rocks and surfers catching massive waves with their determination to out do their buddies and the wave itself.  This wasn’t a beach with a name.  There were no parking lots, lifeguards, bathrooms, or vendors.  I parked on cooled lava (super amusing to me), and walked through very non standard beach sand to find a seat to watch the sunset show.  

I plopped myself into the body molding, herpes of mother nature and took in my surroundings.  To my right was some beautiful lava formations jutting out into the ocean providing a nice perch for my fisherman neighbor.  He artfully tossed out his line in hopes of catching dinner.  He paid me no attention as I watched his masterful skills.  Cast, reel, repeat.  Just past him was the sun yawning as it fell sleepily over the mountain causing beatiful color formations of purples and oranges.  To my left, were the surfers completely unphased by the size of the waves or the coming darkness.  Directly in front of me, waves desperately reached for me, their fingernails scratching the sand begging to not return to the ocean and sun bathe for a moment longer.  Each wave begging me for a swim.  This was the moment.  I was living in a post card with no cares in the world.  My happiness was a result of the decisions I have made.  

Two years ago, you would find me anchoring my couch to the floor watching mindless television with snow falling outside all while grasping onto my loveless marriage in an acceptance that this was as good as life would be.   I didn’t think I deserved better.  I had a new house, new car, ate fancy dinners at home that my ex would cook for me, and a dog that cuddled with me when I took his spot on the couch.  All of the security in possessions was not nearly enough to balance out the lack of love.  Jane Austen was my conscience.  She wrote book after book about women who found their true loves.  Obstinate women like Elizabeth Bennet would have never settled for unhappiness in marriage despite societal and family pressure.  My true love would have never treated me as if I was a burden.  I envisioned coming home from a difficult day at work and throwing my arms around my true love trying to make up for every second that I missed my love during my extra long twelve hour shift.  What I had was not happiness.  Why I felt like I didn't need love baffles me now.  I honestly told myself that it would be okay to be married to a friend and not be in love.  I was married to a roommate.  Ew.  Jane told me that it was time to buck up (in her english accent of course).

I made other difficult decisions that lead me to my sandy seat.  I left my job at one of the best children’s hospitals in the country, where I had an abundance of fantastic co workers and the best technology in the world to be a travel nurse at hospitals that could only pale in comparison.  I became a shepherd.  My cloak being isolation gowns and my suitcases my flock.  Our fields are hospitals in need of staff quickly, in destinations where the field is surrounded by whatever it is I desire.  I was being paid to live in Hawaii.  There was no question that my job decision paid off.  

My thoughts drifted while I watched the sun fall asleep.  I was proud of myself for being able to do all that I did.  I have become free spirited and adventurous.  No part of my existence is boring.  I’m open to taking risks and no longer need to research every aspect of an outing before I get there.  I love spontaneity and unplanned adventures.  I was ridiculously happy.  I have been that happy before, but it always involved a man.  This time, it was purely me.  I had the ability to create my own happiness.  I was in control of my heart and my life.  I took life by the horns and am ready for the wild ride.  I expect to fall off every once in awhile, but bruises and broken bones heal.  

With the sun long since asleep, and sand everywhere it could be, I headed home.  Mountains to my right, ocean to my left, and unhappiness in my rearview mirror.  

The view from my sandy seat, Oahu.